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Author Topic: Introduce your OC and Is Your OC Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu?  (Read 128031 times)
Kaption
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« Reply #25 on: Nov 08, 2006 10:29 pm »

Name:Zhèn hàn -- in the fic, I haven't named him yet.
Nation: Earth Kingdom.
Bender: Something like that: yes, he has the potential to bend; yes, the earth moves with him, but he has no formal training -- at least not when my fic began, maybe when he grows older he'll learn how to control the 'shakes.'
Eyes: Brown.
Hair: Auburn.
Clothing: Simple, Earth Kingdom peasant garb.
Height/Weigh: He's 5'5'' and weighs about 124, he's somewhat underfed from his travellings.
Weapon: None. He's scared of daggers; they remind him of when he stabbed his grandpa.
Skill Level: Low. The only time his bending is triggered is when he's very nervous and his hands begin to tremble uncontrollably, hence the 'shakes,' and these are involuntary. He has an inkling he's a bender, but he's too scared to really attempt training at the beginning of his tale. Near the end of his tale, he becomes skilled enough to be a member of Ba Sing Se's 'Terra Team.' However, Zhèn hàn is still short of being a master.
Flaws: He's easily startled, naive, little to no knowlede of how the world works, he is somewhat weak physically and emotionally. He is easily influenced by others, and is quick to apologize even when things are not his fault. The 'shakes' are his biggest flaw, however.
Family: A father who served as an Earth Kingdom soldier, who died two months before his birth. A mother whom died not long soon after, when the Zhèn hàn was born. And lastly, his grandfather Wen Tu, who raised him.
History, Future: There's not much to tell; Zhèn hàn was born in a small village outside a forest named after Shu and the large shrine dedicated to Oma inside of it. The village is not far from Omashu. Zhèn hàn's the village 'odd-kid,' he's never had the best grades at his academy, nor has he ever been particularly popular. He's known as a trouble-maker, because when he becomes nervous the ground beneath him shakes uncontrollably. Everyone know's he's an earthbender, because he is the grandson of the famed Wen Tu, a master, and assume he is just out to cause trouble; Wen Tu chose to keep Zhèn hàn from learning the true extent of his abilities, writing his 'shakes' off as an affliction rather than a blessing and refusing to teach him how to control it.

Through a twist of events, Zhèn hàn stabs and kills his grandfather in his sleep and begins to travel the Earth Kingdom, and even went as far as Kyoshi Island, once. He has many adventures, and meets many people, including the girl who would grow to be his best friend, and bearer of his child.

Zhèn hàn begins his military career as a lowly servant-boy for a group of rag-tag Earth Kingdom soldiers, who moonlight as bandits -- the girl, Mingmei, is the younger sister of the leader of the group, Ho, she is used for assasinations, thefts, and has to do questionable things in order to accomplish her means, but enough of that for it'd ruin the story. Then, Zhèn hàn slowly rises through military ranks and groups and, after training in earthbending, his life leads him to Ba Sing Se and joins the Terra Team, the elite earthbending unit.

Some events happen and he winds up in a jail in Ba Sing Se, and spends a majority of his life there -- the tale is told to a guard there--, wishing he could see his beloved again, and his child as well. Whether he eventually gets his wish is not know, yet.

Connections to Canon: Just locations, the Terra Team, the Legend of Oma and Shu, and brief mentions of characters from the side-characters along the lines of, "Did you hear the Avatar is back?" etc. etc.

This is the fic he's from.
« Last Edit: Nov 08, 2006 10:44 pm by Kaption » Logged
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« Reply #26 on: Nov 10, 2006 02:09 am »

Kaption

Your character is definitely not a Stu. There aren't any notes that I can make, because the history seems to be rather vague, alluding to events we're unaware of. With that said, it's impossible for me to determine the validity or feasibility of Zhen's stabbing of his grandfather, or his ascension through the ranks.

I enjoyed the character though, very much! I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
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Deadpool
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« Reply #27 on: Nov 10, 2006 10:26 am »

I've been reading through this, and I felt that I should add something. What makes a sue isn't her insane powers. It's the way she's put into the story. If she takes the spotlight and never screws and is perfect and poorly written, that makes a sue.

A good example would be Gambit in the X-men series. He's handsome, he's slick, he's smooth with the ladies, he has special red glowing eyes, he has an entire guild of thieves that he is the head of, and he has an awesome mutant of being able to make inorganic things explode as well.  All of these things seem to add up to Gary-studom. However since he's usually handled well, gets his ass handed to him every now and then, and doesn't take the spotlight, he isn't one.

It's all in the presentation, you see.
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Chong
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« Reply #28 on: Nov 10, 2006 11:03 am »

Here's my roomates:

Basics

Character Name: Rika/Ember
Gender: Female
Nation of Origin: Fire Nation
Nation of Residence: Earth Kingdom
Age: 17

Personal

Appearance: 1 2
Her black hair is long and usually drawn back into a pair of pigtails or two buns.  Her eyes are as crimson as the flame, and often seem to glow when she is excited.  She is adverage height, standing at five foot six inches, just a few inches shorter than that of Prince Zuko.  She often wears colors of red and black, as they are her favorite colors.
Abilities: Firebender.  Master of katana.  She carries a red-sheathed saber known as Destiny.
Strengths: Intelligence is a virtue, and Ember has much of it.  She has a thirst for knowlege that sometimes gets in the way of fighting.  She has a deep love for plant life and is knowlegeable in most healing plants.  She is witty and agile, able to think and fight on the battlefeild.
Weaknesses: Often prone to staring into space, contemplating what Zuko could be doing at that moment, and even trying to go about her daily activities with this distraction.  Ember has a powerful sweet tooth and loves chocolates.  She also tends to be absent-minded, and overlooks the obvious.  She has a very poor sense of direction.
Personality: Once a spry and happy young girl, her personality changed after her near-death experiance.  Ember is now more withdrawn and quiet, speaking only when needed and using as few words as possible to get her point out.  She is curt and polite to those she meets and is often willing to offer advice.  An emotional wall guards her heart and she rarely laughs.  She wishes for this war to be over so that she can find the person she loves most of all.
History: Rika was born to Kajin [her father] and Tenpa [her mother], a pair considered to be nobility in the Fire Nation.  At the age of ten months, she was brought before Prince Ozai just a few days after his wife had a son.  Her parents wished to make an arranged marrige for the two, claiming that their daughter had a grand bloodline, one that could be traced back to Avatar Roku.  Ozai saw this as an oppertunity to make his bloodline stronger so he agreed.  Both sets of parents made a pact that their children would be wed on the young prince's seventeenth birthday.

Rika visited the palace often after that, sometimes to play with Zuko or take a look at her baby sister Azula.  At a young age, she displayed the ability to Firebend, although this was often sparratic, resulting in the destruction of several household objects.  Her parents arranged for her to attend the Royal Fire Academy for Girls when she was old enough.  Rika, however, displayed a yearning for knowledge, often reading scrolls and books from her father's study.

The days of her childhood passed and Rika was sent to the Academy as arranged.  There she learned how to hone her abilities while reciveing the knowledge she so desired.  She visited the prince whenever possible, and often brought him gifts.  However, when she learned that he would be participating in an Agni Kai [fire duel], she immedately rushed to the arena.  Her heart wrenched when she was restrained as Zuko was burned.  Upon his exile, she sought to escape the kingdom just as her betrothed did.  Her parent's told her the arrangement was off, and that she would marry another man.

In the dead of the night, she sought to escape.  However, she was met by Zuko's younger sister.  The two had an animosity from the start, and this was the last push they needed to fight.  Rika seemed to be doing well against the Firebending prodogy, however, when Azula began to insult Zuko, Rika lost her cool.  Her foolishness caused her to be struck down by Azula, who kicked her motionless form into the nearby river, sending her downstream and to her doom.

Rika awoke to find herself in a cabin, with a fire going and a blanket upon her.  She had been rescued from the waters by a young Earthbending boy.  He and his family were refugees from the war, making a small camp in Fire Nation terratory.  Rika soon grew to be fond of the boy and his family.  When she stated she had no home, they invited her into their family.  She assumed the name Ember, for fear that if she used her real name, she would be hunted down.

The happiness was short-lived when Fire Nation soldiers attacked the camp.  Rika and the young Earthbender were able to escape.  They decided to travel to the Earth Kingdom, where rumors spread that a resistance was growing.  On their way, they came upon a young Waterbender named Litas.  Together the trio made their way to the Earth Kingdom. 

One night, their small camp was ambushed by Fire Nation scouts.  Rika surprised both Litas and the boy, Kudan, with her Firebending poweress.  They quickly left the camp and continued on their way to where the Resistance was rumored to be.  After weeks of travelling, they reached the fortress.  They were immediately captured and brought to the leader of the Resistance.  The trio told their story and were accepted to join, yet they had to contribute to the town.

Rika, under her guise of Ember, apprentanced to a medicinewoman, who taught her the secrets of herbal remedies.  She also showed the impressive skill of swordsmanship, something she had learned from watching Zuko.  She soon made it up the ranks to be a high-ranking member of the Resistance.  Little did she know that her whole world would change the day she met the Avatar.

Other

Interesting Tidbits: Ember is a horrible cook, yet her herbal remedies work most of the time.
Odd Traits: She doesn't hold alcohol well, and gets drunk very easily.


And mine:

Basics

Character Name:  Roka/Kiba
Gender:  Male
Nation of Origin:  Fire Nation
Nation of Residence:  Earth Kingdom
Age:  17

Personal

Appearance: Click
Abilities:  Master of Zenta fighting style.
Strengths:  Kiba, as he is known, is physically strong.  His life consisted of much training, and it shows well.  He prides himself on his physical powress, and works out every day, even if the weather does not work with him.  He is also persistant, and will strive to prove that he is right, no matter the cost.
Weaknesses:  He is very touchy about the fact that he cannot Firebend like his older twin sister.  He seems to have an inate jealousy of those who can bend well, and dislikes most benders, regardless of nation [with the exception of Rika].  He also tends to rush headlong into battle if something he cares about is in danger.
Personality:  Roka is a mysterious boy.  He doesn't think of following 'proper' rules and fights based on his own standards.  He is kind hearted sometimes and has a soft spot for animals and women.  Although he is extremely jealous of most benders, that does not apply to his older sister.  Quite the contrary, he wants her to be happy, no matter what.  He despises loosing a fight and will sulk for some time upon defeat.  He can be hot-tempered and easy to rile.  He hates being told that he looks like his sister.
History:  Roka is the younger twin brother of Rika.  The two were nearly inseperable until the age of five, when Roka's father sent him away to live with a foster family, disowning the boy because he had no bending skills and seemed 'too slow to be his son'.  Roka was given the name Kiba by his foster parents, who loved him very much.  The pair owned a dojo that practiced the Zenta fighting style.  Kiba, as he was now known, was taught this fighting style and raised to be the heir to the dojo.

However, the boy seemed to be a genius when it came to physical technique.  Where it normally took ten years to master the fighting style, Kiba had it down pat in only five.  His foster parents were ready to hand the dojo over to their surrogate son when his birth father decided to welcome him back into the family.  The only reason he did this was because rumors had reached him that the young boy he had given away was a tactical genius. 

Kiba became Roka once again and lived with his father near the palace.  He met the young Zuko and an immedate rivalry was born.  In Roka's mind, the prince wasn't good enough for his older sister.  However, before he could even confront the young prince, Roka was carted away to boot camp, where he trained for two years before being placed into the army at a young age.  Even the Fire Lord was impressed with the twelve year old boy. 

Thanks to his training, Kiba shot up the ranks and quickly became a captian of his own squadron three years later.  He returned home for a short while on leave and learned of the tragic fate that had befallen his twin sister.  She was presumed dead and had vanished a year before Roka returned home.  Appearantly, his father didn't want that to distract him.  Roka was torn apart, but in his heart he felt that she was still alive.  His father had given him a hawk as a present, and the young man named it Rika.  A few days after his return home, Roka fled the capital and set out on a quest to find his sister.

Due to his escape, he was branded a 'traitor' and is now a wanted man.  For the past two years he has travelled the globe, helping those who needed salvation from the cruelty of the Fire Nation.  He heard rumors of a group known as the Resistance, and has set out to find them.  He hopes that someone there might know what has become of his sister.  He is convinced that she is still alive, and he will do everything in his power to find her.

Other

Interesting Tidbits:  Scared of rabbits.
Odd Traits:  Often mistaken for his elder twin sister, Rika.
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Funk Oni
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« Reply #29 on: Nov 10, 2006 12:41 pm »

Chong

Rika

I'm sorry to say it; but this is definitely as Sue. However, I feel that all Sues can be fixed and made to be excellent characters, and yours is no exception. Here are my notes:

-The name. "Rika" is awesome. And "Ember" defies my usual complaint of using non-Asian names by being a nickname that she chose to conceal her identity. However, if she was taken in by an Earth Kingdom family, I highly doubt that she would use the nickname "Ember," which pertains to fire.

-You describe that she cannot hold her alcohol well, but also mention that she's only seventeen. This isn't something Sue-ish about the character, but would have the potential to spark debate.

-Fire Nation eyes are typically gold. Secondly, any character whose eyes glow upon being angered or focussed is usually a Sue, hands down.

-Too many strengths. She can be strong at firebending, (And she is, if she held her own against Azula) she can be excellent with swords, but being both makes the character less believable. Knowledge of herbs and plants is fine, so long as it isn't masterful. The same with tactics and strategy.

-I doubt that swordsmanship could be learned merely by watching Zuko.

-An arranged marriage with Zuko is absolutely Sue-ish. There is no real improvement that can be made upon this; I instead recommend scrapping this particular aspect of the story entirely and replacing the arranged marriage with another Fire Nation original character, or choosing a different event entirely.

There are others, but I feel they would be somewhat trivial. These are the major points of the character to be addressed.


Roka

A character with fewer Stu-ish qualities, but one that can still definitely be improved upon. Here are my notes:

-Linking to an image of another character from another series is always immensely troublesome, giving no real idea of what the character looks like. This is also the case here, the character you've linked to being from an entirely different series with completely different regional inspirations.

-Characters that are adept enough to learn martial arts training in half the time it usually takes are typically regarded as Stu's. Just for the sake or increasing the character's believability, I would recommend increasing the number of years slightly.

-I was going to make a note on Kiba's ascension through the ranks, but there seems to be nothing off about it. Another instance where it might be best if you increase the number of years needed to reach that particular point.


Interesting characters!
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Chong
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« Reply #30 on: Nov 10, 2006 12:46 pm »

Thanks for the imput...I'll definitely work on my character a bit.
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storm-of-insanity
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« Reply #31 on: Nov 10, 2006 02:20 pm »

Name: Hong

Nation: Earth

Age: barely 14

Bender: no

Eyes: red (he's an albino)

Hair: white

Skin: unsually pale

Clothing: typical Earth Kingdom garb

Height/Weight
: short and scrawny

Weapon: a pocket-sized catapult

Skill Level: good enough to fire a few pebbles at a target bu not enough to actually take anyone out. He isn't physically stong either so relies fleeing and staying out of trouble all together.

Flaws: He tends to throw quite a few hissy fits but cannot keep them up for long. As soon as someone argues back with him he wilts. He's a bit to sensative as well. He doesn't think before he acts but after one bad run in with a gang of thugs he loses his confidence completely.

Family: His father was a merchant so he often went on trading trips over seas with him. Because his father was rarely home, his mother lived seperately to them but he still saw her often. Since his father traded with the Earth and Fire Nations, he became a wanted man when Hong was 14. Hong's father is lame so knew he couldn't outrun both nations for long and support his son at the same time so he sent Zuko (who is in his mid 20s now and works for him as a diliverer) to take him to his mother as a last errand. However when they reach Hong's mother's village, the find that it has been ransacked by the Fire Nation and not surprisingly, his mother is no where to be found. Whilst Zuko is sure that the women is dead, Hong remains hopeful that he can still find her if he keeps looking hard enough.

History: Loving parents and a peaceful life, what more could a kid ask for? He's never really had the need to fight and has been brought up against it. He was born an albino but has never had a problem with it because his village didn't mind and his parents gave him confidence so he never really though about how he looked. However on his search for his mum, that all changed. He went to a hostile town where he felt unsecure and his posture gave away his feelings. A gang of youths chased and beat him up because of how he looked. He lost his confidence completely but under that harsh eye of Zuko, he slowly gained it back. Also, he learnt how to use a catapult to defend himself.

Connections to Canon: [10 years post series] Zuko was Hong's father's employee. As a last job, his father asked Zuko to take Hong to his mother. When Hong finds his mum's village in ruins, Zuko takes pity on him decides to allow the boy travel with him until his mother is found. After numerous arguments between the two (all of which ended in Zuko fuming and Hong feeling crushed) they finaly learn to get along and a strong friendship develops.
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« Reply #32 on: Nov 10, 2006 11:36 pm »

Storms-of-Insanity

Ah, as I've said earlier; it's very hard to evaluate characters and scenarios that are post canon. From what I can tell, your character isn't a Stu.

However, I question the relation to Zuko, since it hinges on Zuko being in a position where he would take to being a messenger.

As far as your character goes, he is not a Stu. But I cannot really give any advice or notes, what with it being post-canon.

Sorry I can't be of more help!
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DaSini
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« Reply #33 on: Nov 11, 2006 06:55 pm »

OK...maybe i should take a shot of this... I make SO MANY characters i've had to create a filing system for them, but that's beside the point. So...i'll just pick a random one.... * thinks*...Ah, here we are-

Name: Xia Lin
Nation: Earth ( Sand Nomad)
Bender: Yes, but she wasn't allowed to pursue it.
Eyes: Brown
Hair: dark brown
Clothing:eh...nothing special. clothing ranges from brown to a beige-ish (sp?) tries to cover up as much as possible to protect herself from the sun.
Height/Weigh: Gah...average
Weapon: no special one
Skill Level: Ah...she doesn't get into many fights- as said before, she was never allowed to pursue her bending talent, so she can only bend as well as she taught herself. And she's not too bad with a weapon ( i guess she could randomly pick up a knife that just happened to be there) but she never gets in fights, so....yrah. She doens't use it much.
Flaws: Closet prankster- she loves to cause trouble, but she can only do so to a certain point. The only person she can openly annoy is her brother. She has a rather terse relationship with her father, and even though she doesn't snap back ( she was taught not too) she says a lot of nasty things in her head. She doesn't talk much, and is very reserved, so i guess that could be considered a flaw- she's the kind of person who'd be in the corner of a room full of people that she doesn't know well.
Family: Out of her family, she is closest to her brother. They talk, they tease eachother, and do brother-and-sister things...but he's the one she can go to if it's three in the morning and there's a noise outside the tent. As said before, she has a rather terse relationship with her father, and every since her mother Yulduz, died from skin cancer ( too much exposure to the sun) her father has been pretty intoverted and not very close to her or her brother. Her brother and father fight a lot, and her brother is a mischeif  maker, like Xia Lin- only he's open about it. he steals things...and stuff. Her mother died when she was eight, as mentioned before, and she used to have a grandmother who lived with them ( whome they reffered to as Nai Nai) but she died a long tme ago and Xia Lin can't remember her much.
History: She grew up in the  Hua Mi tribe of the Si Wong's desert Nomads. Nothing really exciting happened in her life, except for her mother dying, but that's depressing, not exciting. She's a sandbender, but she's a girl, and in her tribe the girls weren't allowed to learn how to bend at ALL - a lot like the northern water tribe. Once, when she was twelve, her older brother Gashuin and his gaang of friends brought back a Flying Bison, after which the avatar came and decided to take up their village on some sort of deal that he and his friends had made with her father ( Xia Lin didn't know much). I haven't really thought of anything else- at the present time she's twelve, almsot thirteen.
Connections to Canon: Erm... between the episodes ' the desert' and ' the serpent's pass' the gaang somehow got  out of the desert, and , using my creative liscense (sp?) i chose to have the gaang accept the offer that the sand nomads gave them ( to escort them out of the desert) when Aang went all glowy on them because of what they did to Appa. So, they stayed that night at the sand bender village and started out  in the morning of the next day. While they were staying in the village, Xia Lin served them dinner.

So yeah... i'm still working out tihngs....the only fic i have with her in it is called 'Sifting Sand" a short one shot that can be found here- http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=3051004&chapter=1
« Last Edit: Nov 11, 2006 06:57 pm by DaSini » Logged

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« Reply #34 on: Nov 12, 2006 12:28 am »

DaSini

Not a sue.
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LadyProphet
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« Reply #35 on: Nov 12, 2006 02:39 pm »

Just the sort of help I need ^.^

Name:Talia
Nation: Earth Kingdom
Bender: Yes, earth
Eyes: Green
Hair: Brown
Clothing: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/35024668/?qo=39&q=by%3Aladyprophet&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps
Weapon: No
Skill Level: Very little skill in hearbending. Her biggest trait it healing. Not with bending but with plants. She has is an expert when it comes to plants and their use.
Flaws: Animals tend to don't like her, and she is a little scared for most of them. She haven't developed her earthbendingskill since an accsident in her childhood.
Family: Her mother and father is liveing in a village in the earth kingdom. Her brother is fighting in Omasu
History: She has since a time back lived byherself in a hut outside the villiage where her mother and father lives. She makes her liveing as a medical woman. Once a year she walks to Omasu (about a month's trip by foot) to sell her medics at the big market there. Which is what she lived on most of the year. Her little brother also is a city guard in Omasu.

When she meets up with the Avatar's it's on her way to Omasu. (It's after the episode 'return to omasu') and while talking to them they tell her Omasu have fallen. She becomes shocked and get worried for her brother and they reply some of the soliders survived, they helped them escape, and he might be alive in Ba Sing Se. They are on their way there and they allow her to tag along.
Connections to Canon: Nothing yet...
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« Reply #36 on: Nov 12, 2006 07:00 pm »

LadyProphet

Interesting character! Just a few notes.

-The name "Talia" is a bit off. I would suggest choosing something of Asian origin. Upon review; "Talia" doesn't seem that bad as a choice.

-I would also recommend trying to make the clothing a bit more Asian-eque.

Hope that helps!
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« Reply #37 on: Nov 12, 2006 11:25 pm »

Name: Nukka of the Southern Tribe
Nation: Water Tribe
Bender: Waterbending prodigy. Half-Yuen Tuin, a prestige family that once reigned as the most powerful clan during the days of Avatar Kyoshi.
Eyes: One eye ocean-indigo, the other ice-blue.
Hair: Unbound and falls to her thighs, but has several hair-wraps.
Clothing: She wears sealskin pants, reindeer-hide boots, and an embroidered tunic representing her high-class. 
Height/Weigh: 5'6, 124 pounds
Age: 15
Weapon: Just an ornamental whale-tooth dagger given to her by her uncle.
Skill Level: Most talented student in the North but not skilled enough to be considered a Master.
Flaws: She is a regal, intelligent and collect girl, but she is also indifferent and distant making her appear cold. She prefers to keep people at arms length, including her family. As a person of solitude she doesn't think there is anything wrong with being, and thinks becoming too attached to others is a flaw in of itself.

Family: Info: Her father is Pakan (a genius politician), her mother Numa (A sickly woman of Yuen Tuin, now dead), her brother Kuuk (four years senior), her uncle is Huan (a high councilman) and her cousin is Sinik (a sickly boy, Huan's only child).

History: Though from a Northern family Nukka was born in the South while her father served as Northern ambassador for the South Pole. She returned home at age eight after her mother died from the snow sickness. The chief families mocked her as "Nukka of the Southern Tribe" for she knew nothing of the North Pole's culture and behaved like a southern child. Since her cousin Sinik was an infant she has been his caretaker (This is because he won't tolerate anyone else.) A weak child meant to someday lead her family. Chief Huan has secretly been giving lessons in leadership and the handling of affairs, grooming her so that one day while his son Sinik holds the position it shall be Nukka who wields the power.) Nukka acts very nurturing and dutiful to her cousin but she really finds him extremely irksome, yet a small part of her deep down is fond of the boy. Though her uncle is training her to be Sinik's right-hand, she strongly believes there is another destiny out there in the world waiting for her away from her family.

Connections to Canon: Nukka eventually leaves the North Pole and travels to the Fire Nation where she meets a young Kyoshi training in Firebending. Nukka realizes that one day Kyoshi will come to be a threat to her mother's family, whom many Northerners feel hold too much power. Nukka begins to make sure that once Kyoshi is a fully-realized Avatar she will not put the political system and power balance in jeopardy.

Yeah, Nukka sounds like a MS.  Cheesy She'll be appearing in my Avatar Kyoshi fanfic I plan on writing after season two ends.
« Last Edit: Nov 12, 2006 11:29 pm by Mononoke » Logged

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Funk Oni
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« Reply #38 on: Nov 13, 2006 12:48 am »

Mononoke

You're right, the character does have Sue-ish qualities. I think it can definitely be improved, however. I have only a few notes, and I hope they will be helpful to you.

-I recommend changing the eyes so that they're one color. Having eyes of two different colors is a typical Sue-trait.

-She seems too powerful as a waterbender. I would recommend lowering her skill level slightly, so that she isn't a fifteen year old amazing prodigy child.

Hope that helps!
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Mononoke
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« Reply #39 on: Nov 13, 2006 08:49 am »

To explain why Nukka is so "special" is because she's supposed to be a prodigy threat to Kyoshi as Princess Azula is to Aang, but I could change it so rather than a prodigy her methods of Waterbending are very dangerous. She favors ice more so than water, and aims to harm rather than how traditional Waterbending concentrates on controlling and disabling your opponent. But somehow that feels I'm betraying a philosophy of Waterbending, and I always believed that philosphy and spirituality play a strong part in Bending. By the way she sounds Nukka isn't your typical Water Tribe girl. But than again you got dark and light in all cultures. Not saying Nukka is dark though, just different.

Let me explain her Yuen Tuin background.
 
Name: Yuen Tuin line

Nation: Water Tribe

Info: Their bloodline was blessed by the Ocean and Moon spirits in the ancient days, gifting them with inhuman beauty and unearthly intelligence. Still in existence during Kyoshi's era, the Yuen Tuin is one of five chief families of the Northern Tribe. Known to be the most influential and powerful, their provinces are the most prosperous and have the least difficulties. Often alliance marriages are sort with the Yuen Tuin by the other chief families since the families with the strongest ties to the Yuen Tuin are placed high in the Northern social and political structure.

Features: Full-blooded members possess pupil-less blue eyes. Yuen Tuin females have pure white hair throughout the whole of their lifespan, and the males pitch black. Because of their divinity the main branch of the Yuen Tuin family interbreed to keep the bloodline pure, for when blood is mixed the blessed traits diminish. Women traditionally rank highest in the family hierarchy but in order gain the
possession she must be of strong mind and body. But over the last three generations most girls are born sickly and feeble minded.

Abilities: Their warriors are of splendid repute, their Waterbenders of prodigal might, their politicians' insightful and master manipulators.

Notes: Every moon has its dark side and the Yuen Tuin line is no exception. Because of their grandness they genuinely believe themselves above the rest of humanity. As a result of interbreeding the taint of insanity has risen in some members, and their women are being born weak. This egotistical mindset will eventually lead to the collapse of their empire or something much, much worse...

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« Reply #40 on: Nov 13, 2006 12:51 pm »

I usually avoid OCs at all cost but I'm intriged at the challenge posted here:

Name: Bai Wurai
Nation: Earth
Bender: No
Eyes: Gray
Hair: Brown, beard as well.
Clothing: Black tunic and cloak, dark green wrist guards and belt
Age: 35
Occupation: Detective
Height/Weigh: 5"9, 180 lbs
Weapon: Bo staff, hand explosives and smoke pellets
Skill Level: Highly equipped martial artist
Flaws: Arrogance, vulnerability
Family: Eldest son to the illustrious Wurai family.

History: Bai was exempt from the Earth Kingdom army due to family status but his father drafted him as a punishment for refusing an arranged marriage. Temporarily a prisoner of the Fire Nation allowed him to observe their superior ninja-like skills until he escaped under their eyes. Honed his physical and mental skills until he stopped an assassination attempt on King Bumi's life. The promotion into the Earth Kingdom's Secret Police was a bonus and start of a new career for Bai.

Personality: Time as a soldier gives Bai the persistance to follow his goal while working undercover. However, his drive to achieve self-perfection has given him a hard run in with firebenders. He has dueled with them viciously and lost with wounded pride. Bai has little patience for fools or idle people so he is skeptical about the rumors that the Avatar has returned as a 12 year old air nomad. Nevertheless, he is begrudingly accepting the recognition of the Avatar and hoping that the dreadful war will end soon.

Connections to Canon: Bai has been specializing in breaking down black markets that plague the Earth Kingdom, deplete the economy, and aid only the Fire Nation's ruthless gain. Despite his experiences, Bai is still baffled at the true identity of the elusive Blue Spirit and seeks to know who he is.  Bai's latest goal is to remain in Ba Sing Se undercover as a craftsman but the presence of the Dai Li gives him limited time within the walls before he is exposed as a double agent, working from the outside of the city.

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« Reply #41 on: Nov 13, 2006 02:16 pm »

Basics

Character Name: Kudan
Gender: Male
Nation of Origin: Earth Kindom
Nation of Residence: Earth Kingdom
Age: 19

Personal

Appearance:
Kudan is tall and lanky, although don't let his appearance fool you.  The young gentleman is an impressive Earthbender.  His short brown hair accents his dark brown eyes.  Usually found to be sitting or standing in a proper posture, it would be hard to guess that he was raised a farmer.  He carries himself as a noble gentleman, which seems to make things easier with women, at least on his part.
Abilities: Earthbender.
Strengths: Along with his natural Earthbending skills, Kudan seems to be quick with his wit.  He is an exellent strategist, and dislikes charging straight into battle.  He thinks that knowing one's enemy is the best way to gain a lead towards victory.  He has studied Firebending very dilligently and knows how to avoid most strikes.
Weaknesses: He becomes easily distracted when pretty women are involved.  His gentlemanly attitude is also reflected on the battlefeild.  He is always respective to his opponent, no matter who it is.  Although if he fights a woman, he will usually take it easy on them.
Personality: Kudan is a regular gentleman.  He does his best to make things as peaceful as possible, while wrestling his own urge to utterly destroy the Fire Nation.  His parents raised him to be kind to all, and that is reflected in his hospitable attitude.  He does his best to be kind and helpful, even when it goes against him or his beleifs.  He sees Litas and Aki as little sisters, and is fond of teasing them every now and then.  He is often found bothering Aki and asking her "Why don't you let the love in?"  He is comical and loves to make others laugh.
History: Kudan was actually adopted by his godparents, when his parents dissapeared after he was born.  Although he was never told this, he always wondered why the people who raised him looked nothing like him.  When he was young, he showed promise of being a grand Earthbender, like his father before him.  Always the happy child, he spent most of his life on a farm in the Earth Kindom, before the Fire Nation carted his village away.

His 'parents' and Kudan managed to escape along with a good many others when the young boy Earthbended their way out of the dungeons.  Since he was six, the Fire Nation warriors didn't even suspect him to be an Earthbender.  They made a small town far from the Fire Nation capital, and they had clean water provided by a river that eventually became a waterfall downstream.  Kudan lived a peaceful life, farming with those who raised him.  His life changed quickly in one day.

Kudan was fishing early in the morning when he spotted something floating downstream.  He thought it was a big fish, but nearly fell over himself when he saw that it was a girl.  The boy Earthbended the rock bed, bringing her to shore.  He noticed that she was breathing, but barely.  He called his 'parents' over and they took her into their home.  Kudan kept a watchful eye over the girl, after his surrogate mother changed her into fresh clothing.  When she woke up, she introduced herself as Aki.  When he learned that she had no family, Kudan begged his own to take her in.  When they agreed, Kudan was thrilled, glad that he finally had a sister.

A few weeks later, the Fire Nation found them and tried to round them up.  Kudan managed to escape with Aki, but learned from the other escapees that his 'parents' were taken.  Vowing to return one day and rescue them, he and Aki made their own way to the Earth Kindom.  They had heard rumors of a Resistance that was fighting the Fire Nation.  On their way they met a young Waterbender named Litas.  Together the trio travelled to the Earth Kindom, learning one night that Aki was a Firebender.

When they reached the village, and spoke to the leader, Kudan joined the farmers, and was surprisingly skilled with his work.  One of the other Earthbenders claimed that he looked like his father.  Kudan was confused by this, and when he asked the man, he couldn't get anything more about his parents out.  Like Aki, Kudan made his way up the ranks and became an elete.  He was curious about the new visitor that Aki brought in.  He was also astounded that it was the Avatar.

Other

Interesting Tidbits: He loves growing things.
Odd Traits:  He tends to sing in the bath...REALLY loud.
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« Reply #42 on: Nov 15, 2006 05:53 pm »

(Uh oh, here comes a candidate for Mary Sueness)
Name: Avatar Princess Jinu of the Fire Nation
Nation: Fire Nation, approx. 350 years before Aang
Bender: All 4
Eyes: Golden
Hair: Azula's hair color, but slightly darker, with a bun and a FN crown thing, with bangs hanging around her face
Normal Appearance: FN collar, red with golden accents, diagnol (sp) Asian button thing vest thingy, over a belled sleeved shirt, like Mai's, with a skirt like Azula's, and FN shoes
Weapon: Haven't decided yet. I don't think so.
Skill Level: Master
Flaws: Extremely sensitive (I know, not too much of a flaw, but it affects the way she acts and does things) 
Family: Parents found her as an abandoned baby, and took her in. (Wow, the FN wasn't always rutheless. It just developed over the years. Wink )  Mother died of Jinu's Disease when Jinu was 16
History: She was a great person, very nice, and helped the people of the world destroy a pandemic of a disease that would be named after her in the future. She met a waterbender boy named Troda in the Water Tribe, and they got married later on. Some call her the "most inspirational Avatar" for helping the world. She died of Jinu's herself at the age of 18. (They get married quite young in Avatar.)
Connections to Canon: Well, connections to my fics "He is your Troda, you are his Jinu" and the sequel "What does being a second Jinu mean?" are that the story of Jinu seems to exactly replicate what goes on with Zuko and Katara. But that's about it. Except that, well, you'll just have to read yourself.
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« Reply #43 on: Feb 11, 2007 06:18 pm »

Name:Joanna
Nation:Fire Nation
Bender: Yes, Fire (Pretty Good, but bad w/ lightening)
Eyes:Hazelish Brown?? (Brown)
Hair:Goldenish Brown (Light Brown)
Clothing: Most of the time- typical nobility clothing. But sometimes she wears a black robe wit light brown patterns on it.
Height/Weigh: 5'2, 125 lbs.
Weapon: Yes, Longsword, but does not use it often, so she can be rather clumsy sometimes.
Skill Level: Bending- A tad above average, pretty good. Weapon- somewhat clumsy(poor but improving over time).
Flaws: Clumsyness with Weapon, somewhat daydreamy, and mischevious.
Family: She is the daughter of General Lao, a military comarade of General Iroh. Her mother is generally not mentioned, but she is alive and well, but tends to lead a rather secluded exsistance. She used to have a younger brother named Kaiba (nicknamed Kai- not after the dude from YGO), who passed away because of an illness.
History:Other than the death of her brother, Joanna has had a pretty happy lifeup to this point. She befriended Zuko when her father was in a meeting and dropped her off with the other kids. Azula bullied her because she was a little shy at the time, but she stood up to Azula, and said she wouldn't take any trash from her, and that's why Azula hates her- because she didn't give in to her. So, she played with Zuko instead and that's how they got to be friends, and they developed feeling for each other- although that is a huge part of her story- it is not the MAIN part. When Zuko was banished, she was soooo mad! But, she knew she couldn't do anything. Zuko did visit her a couple of times afterwards. When Zuko was made an outlaw, her father helped them on there way to Ba-seing-sei by giving them Fake Passports. Joanna and Lao had to flee to the Earth Kingdom Capitol themselves when Azula found out. She met up with Zuko only days before the coo, but before hand was living in the city as Juri, and her father was Yoshiko. After his betrayel, Joanna secreatly feld the city and later joined  up with the Avatar and she and her father promised to Teach  him Firebending.

...That's a condensed version, but that's her story so far. Other then what's been said her, she acts independantly from Zuko and has adventures of her own.

Connections to Canon: She is antagonistic twards Azula, and the two hate each other passionatly. She is romantically involved with Zuko. But, she does not try to reform like most OCs do, she mearly states, in her own way "Well that's your choice, I personally don't agree with it, but I still like you."

My Character is probably a Mary-sue anyway... but I wanted to check with other people.
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« Reply #44 on: Feb 11, 2007 07:03 pm »

Name: Akido (Aki)
Nation: Earth
Bender: (Yes/No, what element)Yes, Earth
Eyes: Green
Hair:Black
Clothing:brown shirt and green pants
Height/Weigh: (If considerably unaverage) Not underaverage
Weapon: (Yes/No, what weapon) no.
Skill Level: (For either bending or weapon) Pretty advanced
Flaws: Bossy
Family:Toph, Teo (don't ask why I did teoph Roll Eyes), Maya
History: She was adopted when she was about five years old.
Connections to Canon: (Yes/No, what connection) Not at the moment

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« Reply #45 on: Feb 11, 2007 07:06 pm »

Teoph:  ROCKS!  Okay, sorry.  I'm done.  Well, I'm just gonna comment on your's.  She doesn't seem Sueish to me.  Almost, but not enough super detail to be a sue.  Believe me, I make Sues all the time.  And I enjoy it. Wink  I don't know why people are so annoyed by them!  I luff Stus and Sues!  Okay, I'm done.  So that's my review.
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Platinum Dragon
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« Reply #46 on: Feb 12, 2007 05:28 pm »

Another OC needs Evalutation, I want to know is she is good enough before I start posting anything!

Name:Taneiko (Age 13, Female)
Nation:Air Nomads/ Earth Kingdom
Bender: Yes, Air
Eyes:Grey-Blue like Aang
Hair: Long Jet Black
Clothing:Typical Earth Kingdom Robe, no arrow, and a long green cape.  She is very pretty, but in more of a bunny-rabbit cute sort of way, not as in attractive.
Height/Weigh: Average
Weapon: Siangham (Family Hierloom- Old Monk Weapon)
Skill Level: Bending- Basic, Siangham- quite crafty.
Flaws:She can be somewhat lazy and careless, and winds up making alot of mistakes, but most of the time she can make up for them. Overall, she is happy and outgoing, but somewhat more confident than girls her age.
Family: Her living family is her mother and grandmother (also Airbenders), and her father, who is the local Blacksmith (Earth Kingdom- not a bender).
History: Her grandmother is a survivor of the Fire Nation's assault of the Western Air temple, who fled to the town of Daiyun with her mother, where she married a farmer and had Taneiko's mother. Her mother married a Blacksmoth from the Erath Kingdom. Her mother, grandmother, and herself do not Airbend outside the farm, but all of that changes when the Avatar comes to visit her town...

Connections to Canon: No direct Connections. Yet.
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« Reply #47 on: Feb 12, 2007 05:32 pm »

Okay, well, since FO, STILL isn't here, I'll say what I think.  I think that is totally awesome.  Your character is perfect.  The whole "surviving airbenders" thing is a little sue-ish, but we can't help that.  So, in the end, your character is not a total sue. 
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« Reply #48 on: Feb 12, 2007 07:22 pm »

As per request by platinum dragon I have reviewed her OC's

Joanna: Now the main problem that I find with a lot of OC's is that they basically live out the author's fantasy's. Alot of them that I have seen deal with being around Zuko. Personally I see that this character has the potential to break away from the Mary Sue. Having to many connections to canon characters can distract from that, such as being the daughter of Iroh. For a final evaluation I believe that Joanna can break away from being a Mary Sue with a careful storyplot that has romantics with Zuko as a secondary story.

Taneiko: I like that this character has no connections to canon characters. I could see this becoming Mary Sue-ish if you follow a plot such as the fire nation catches them airbending and Aang finds out he goes on an escape attempt, blah blah blah. I've read stories of families of surviving airbenders, none have been that impressive. To stay away from the Mary-Sue I advise to have a detailed description of the battle and how exactly Taneiko's grandmother escaped. I assume that you'll have Aang stumble upon her village. Naturally then Taneiko would expose her secret to Aang, perhaps a romance would ensue, and at this point it starts to sound like a Mary-Sue. Again a careful, well written story will avoid that.

The last thing I can say is good luck!
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« Reply #49 on: Feb 12, 2007 07:40 pm »

Name: Ali-Honso
Nation: Earth
Bender: (Yes/No, what element): Yes, earth
Eyes: Green
Hair: Dark, short brown hair.
Clothing: She wears a long-sleeved light green shirt with light brown sleeves with baggy pants and black shoes.
Height/Weigh: (If considerably unaverage) 5'4", 110 pounds.
Weapon: (Yes/No, what weapon) No
Skill Level: (For either bending or weapon) (out of 1-5) 3
Flaws: Sometimes anger, insulting sometimes.
Family: She only has an always seeming angry mother. Her father went to fight in the war when she was 15 (she now is 17), and is still out fighting.
History: She was born to two loving parents with different personalities. Her mother was always disciplining her badly, and her father spoiled her, hence her insulting sometimes. When she was 15, her father was sent out to war. Her  mother then disciplined her by yelling at her every time she didn't do her daily chores. She thought her mother was abusing her, so she ran off in search for the Avatar... (I'm not telling any more to ruin my fanfic.
Connections to Canon: (Yes/No, what connection) Kinda, joins with the Gaang for a couple weeks.
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