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Author Topic: Introduce your OC and Is Your OC Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu?  (Read 126774 times)
Funk Oni
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« on: Nov 06, 2006 01:25 am »

Hey everybody. This is a cue taken from the Distant Horizon forum, but I feel it's really quite helpful to fanfiction authors.

In this thread people will be able to describe their Original Characters, following a template that I'll discuss in a moment. Following that, people can respond to each entry and tell you whether your character's a Mary-Sue or Gary-Stu. If it does have those qualities, tips and suggestions can be offered on to how to improve them.

I hope that this will help people to make their characters more enjoyable and lessen the presence of Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus in the fanfiction community.

Here is the template I advise following for the entries:


Name:
Nation:
Bender: (Yes/No, what element)
Eyes:
Hair:
Clothing:
Height/Weigh: (If considerably unaverage)
Weapon: (Yes/No, what weapon)
Skill Level: (For either bending or weapon)
Flaws:
Family:
History:
Connections to Canon: (Yes/No, what connection)


I hope this helps! Please enjoy!

Updated. You can take the various Mary Sue tests below if you can't wait for others to comment on your character.

1) Mary Sue test
2) The Universal Mary-Sue Litmus Test
3) The Original Fiction Mary Sue Litmus Test
« Last Edit: Jan 30, 2015 12:57 am by Icy_Ashford » Logged
Acastus
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« Reply #1 on: Nov 06, 2006 09:52 am »

Good idea, Funk. Mary/Gary Stu's murder fanfic efforts left, right and center. I'm already in the middle of my current fic, "Prince Iroh", but I'll make a contribution to this string anyway just to get it started. Besides, if I need a course correction, I can always work it in. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

Here are the major OC's from "Prince Iroh". As it takes place in Iroh's early public life, I ended up having to make many more OC's than I originally thought.

Name: Trimazu
Nation: Earth
Bender: No
Eyes: not important
Hair: black
Clothing: Generally sumptuous. He's a successful merchant with a desire to impress everyone with his wealth, so his clothes speak to this.
Height/Weigh: Average height, but he's enormously fat.
Weapon: No.
Skill Level: None.
Flaws: He's arrogant and rude - and he revels in it. In particular, he loves embarassing the local nobility and other Emily Post types with declasse public behavior.
Family: Father was a slave.
History: A former slave himself, Trimazu with a combination of luck, hard work, and balls of steel bought his freedom and became rich himself. Now he works to support the Earth Kingdom war effort through his industry and have fun baiting the nobles who used to own his family.
Connections to Canon: None.

Name: Xian
Nation: Fire
Bender: Yes
Eyes: not important
Hair: black
Clothing: Simple soldier's uniform.
Height/Weigh: Short, and neither great looking nor ugly.
Weapon: No, or at least none that are important for the story.
Skill Level: None.
Flaws: He's a good man who nevertheless wants to please his uncle, Fire Lord Azulon. While a good judge of character, he is not the greatest judge of situations and events. He is often too conservative when he should be bold, and, ultimately, realizing this flaw, ends up being bold when he should be conservative.
Family: Son of Azulon's brother, cousin of Prince Iroh.
History: Father was killed at the beginning of the Battle of the Song River by a Fire Nation assassin. Campaigned with General Shu in the Southern Earth Kingdom for several years. Interim governor of some recovered territory before returning to the Fire Nation where he was appointed commander of the new Fire Nation army with the mission to destroy General Nifong, the Robert E. Lee of the Earth Kingdom.
Connections to Canon: Elder cousin of Iroh and Ozai, nephew of Azulon.

Name: Nikon Orlando
Nation: Fire
Bender: Yes
Eyes: not important
Hair: black
Clothing: not important, but soldier's uniform for most of the story.
Height/Weigh: Taller than Iroh and good looking.
Weapon: No, or at least none that are important to the story.
Skill Level: None.
Flaws: Nikon is self conscious of his status as a commoner. He's got a good mind, but he doesn't use it as often as he should (see chapter eight). He can be reckless and drawn off focus without much effort. He's also a rake and objectifies women to a measurable extent.
Family: Father was a pauper who lived in Shinjuku, the poorest and most dangerous neighborhood of the Fire Nation capital.
History: Nikon was rejected from the Fire Nation Military Academy (which I sort of imagine as the Eton or Harvard of the Fire Nation) since he was a gutter snipe. Having considerable bending talent and desperately wanting to impress a local prostitute with whom he was infatuated, he shopped himself with every Firebending master he could find. Talent is talent and the nation was at war, so he quickly found Master Chen, a member of the War College to teach him bending, patience and critical thinking. He was mostly successful. There he met Prince Iroh and became friends with him.
Connections to Canon: Friend of Prince Iroh.

Name: Tien Shin
Nation: Fire
Bender: Yes
Eyes: not important
Hair: black
Clothing: Perfect dresser, though I don't really mention it much. He's a perfectionist and mindful of the importance of appearances. He's a court prosecutor and a rapidly maturing politican and manipulator, so he knows how important that can be.
Height/Weigh: Taller than Iroh, and good looking, but with a cold countenance.
Weapon: War fans, sword, bow.
Skill Level: Very skilled with war fans, but merely proficient in the others.
Flaws: Arrogance, conceit and overconfidence.
History: State prosecutor who has made his reputation by having many members of the Fire Nation elite put to death for treasons both real and imagined. Appointed Daimyo, second in command, to Xian much to Iroh's chagrin.
Connections to Canon: The eldest son of Azulon's second wife, Ila. He is the step brother of Iroh and Ozai, and as such is a rival to each.

Name: Deng Zev Nifong
Nation: Earth
Bender: Yes
Eyes: not important
Hair: black
Clothing: Simple soldier's uniform for most of the story.
Height/Weigh: Tall, and decent looking. He's middle aged.
Weapon: No, or at least none that are important to the story.
Skill Level: None.
Flaws: He is bitter over Ba Sing Se's reticence to fight the war with all its resources, and detests the Dai Li. Nifong is the Hector of this story, really. He isn't loaded with obvious faults, but fate has his number, just as it does for Xian.
History: Has spent the last twenty years rolling back the Fire Nation gains made early in the war. A brilliant cavalry commander and a patriot of his nation, he is a religious man and prays for often for guidance and support.
Connections to Canon: None.

There a few other major OC's, such as Gan and Chieng, and a bunch of minor ones, such as Gao the Storyteller, but this is too much already.
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« Reply #2 on: Nov 06, 2006 10:11 am »

Name: Kai
Nation: Earth
Bender: Earth
Eyes: Brownish-Blackish
Hair: Black
Clothing: Very secretive clothing.
Height/Weigh: Average Height/Height
Weapon: Cane Sword
Skill Level: He is a Rookie bender, but is a master at the Cane Sword
Flaws: He doesn't like the way the Dai Li handle things in Ba-Sing-Se
Family: His father killed his mother, Ling Jin
History: When he was a small child, his father killed his mother. His father said the fire nation killed his mother, so he hated the Fire Nation witha passion. When he became older, his father wanted him to join the Dai Li, to guard the Earth King. Later he found out the real objective of the Dai Li, and he found out that his father is the leader of the Dai Li and he killed his mother. He escaped and formed a secret rebal group and has killed many Dai Li members.
Connections to Canon: Long Feng is his father.
« Last Edit: Nov 06, 2006 10:14 am by Oblivion » Logged


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ConfusedShipper123
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« Reply #3 on: Nov 06, 2006 10:54 am »

Name: Shin Ling
Nation: Earth Kingdom
Bender: No
Eyes: Grey-blue
Hair: Short brown
Clothing: Longsleeve, season 1 Katara neckline, green dressish thing with light green accents over dark green pants, with a hat like the unspeaking girl in SOTFN
Weapon: No
Flaws: Talks about past Avatar Jinu too much
Family: only child, both parents
History: Born in Upper Ring of Ba Sing Se, went to BSSU to study medicine, and took a class on past Avatars, wanted to help people, currently residing in a small apartment near the hospital like place she runs, pretty much on her own.
Connections to Canon: If canon means shipping, yes, somewhat. She tells Katara about the Avatar Princess Jinu of the Fire Nation, who lived approximately 350 years before Aang, 5 Avatars before. She tells her how much Jinu's and Jinu's husband, Troda's story are so similar to Katara and "Lee's". (It's a Zutara fic.) Both Katara and Zuko have dreams of Troda and Jinu during the fic.
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« Reply #4 on: Nov 06, 2006 11:58 am »

Acastus

Ha ha, I can't think of a better way to kick off this thread. I'll analyze each character one at a time, and hope that any notes I make are helpful.

Trimazu

-I can easily say this character isn't a Stu. There's only one thing I can think to comment on; the name. The majority of the names in Avatar seem to descend from some Asian origin. (Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etcetera) Out of pure curiosity, what is the origin of the name "Trimazu?"

Xian

-Not a Stu. Being related to canon characters typically nominates someone for Stu-Hood. But I feel that the character of a nephew to the Fire Lord is intreguing. The character is distant enough in his relation to the others that he becomes interesting.

Nikon Orlando

-The character is not a Stu, but I do have two notes. Similarly to Trimazu, the name. Nikon could potentially pass as an Asian name, but "Orlando" seems very much outside of the norm.

-This is a note based more on personal interpretation; I suspect the Fire Nation would be more inclined to enlist any male capable of fighting, with little regard for social status. I think at the end of the day, this is something that becomes feasible or infeasible based on your portrayal of the scenario.

Tien Shin

-This character actually does possess a Stu-ish quality, but I feel it's one that's easily fixed: Proficiency with so many weapons is reasonable. But I doubt it would be the case while he is capable of firebending. If he was incapable of firebending, his skill with the three weapons would be much more likely.

-Xian's relation to Azulon through being a nephew was interesting, but Tien Shin's treads on thinner ice. A child of Azulon's, even if a stepchild, would have the potential to appear in canon. I think this is another instance of the quality and believability of the scenario being based on your portrayal. I think it can be pulled off, absolutely.

Deng Zev Nifong

-Not a Stu. I am curious as to the origin of "Zev," though. The rest of the name seems perfect.



Oblivion

An interesting character! I have a few notes in response to it, however.

-I feel that if someone lived in Ba Sing Se and had an acknowledged disapproval of the Dai Li, they would be traced and followed. If the character were Long Feng's son, I imagine they would be forced into cooperation.

-Being Long Feng's son, I suspect Kai would be more skilled in earthbending and less so with the cane sword. Long Feng would probably be more inclined to ensure that his child had skill enough to aid in the protection of Ba Sing Se's cultural heritage.

-A secret rebel group is an interesting idea! However, the Dai Li is rather strong; you would have to write carefully and skillfully to pull it off. Also, I suspect the group would have to be relatively small.

-If Long Feng were in a position that he felt the need to kill his wife, I feel he wouldn't do so by his own hand. I also doubt that he would blame it on the Fire Nation, since one of his chief goals seems to be preventing the knowledge of the war.



ConfusedShipper

A very nice character! I only have a few notes.

-The age hasn't been specified, but I assume that Shin Ling is somewhere in her late teens or early twenties. If such is the case, I have doubts that she would be a student and run a clinic by herself at the same time. It's much more believable if she works at and helps with a clinic, or if she merely makes a concious effort to treat those in the lower ring of Ba Sing Se.

-From what I've seen in the show, the Fire Nation Avatar prior to Roku was a male. I also feel I must question the origins of the name "Troda," since it sounds like it could just as easily be non-Asian as Asian. 

-Canon actually means "the show" for all intents and purposes. But you do reveal something interesting in your description there: I doubt that Shin ling would have much knowledge of "Lee," Zuko being a rather private and non-sociable person. She also probably won't know much of Katara and Zuko's background.



I hope that these notes will help to improve your characters! I was very happy to review such well crafted creations.
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« Reply #5 on: Nov 06, 2006 12:01 pm »

Thanks funk oni! Shin Ling is 25. I forgot to mention that. Also, Troda is from the Water Tribe.
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« Reply #6 on: Nov 06, 2006 12:13 pm »




Oblivion

An interesting character! I have a few notes in response to it, however.

-I feel that if someone lived in Ba Sing Se and had an acknowledged disapproval of the Dai Li, they would be traced and followed. If the character were Long Feng's son, I imagine they would be forced into cooperation.

-Being Long Feng's son, I suspect Kai would be more skilled in earthbending and less so with the cane sword. Long Feng would probably be more inclined to ensure that his child had skill enough to aid in the protection of Ba Sing Se's cultural heritage.

-A secret rebel group is an interesting idea! However, the Dai Li is rather strong; you would have to write carefully and skillfully to pull it off. Also, I suspect the group would have to be relatively small.

-If Long Feng were in a position that he felt the need to kill his wife, I feel he wouldn't do so by his own hand. I also doubt that he would blame it on the Fire Nation, since one of his chief goals seems to be preventing the knowledge of the war.

thanks for telling me what I need to change, I'm still drafting the first chapter, so I have plenty of time to change, thanks again!
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« Reply #7 on: Nov 06, 2006 12:59 pm »

Acastus, just a question...would Trimazu be based off Trimalchio of Satyricon? The similarity is amazing.

Gee, what character to take...oh! I'll pick one from my roleplays. Cheesy

Name: Genji
Nation: Earth
Bender: Yes, Earthbender
Eyes: Dark-brown
Hair: Hazel brown
Clothing: Traveler's gear (Like Zuko's in episode 207)
Height/Weigh: 6 feet tall, about 75 kg.
Weapon: Yes, two Sai.
Skill Level: He both bends and wields his weapons with a little above average skill.
Flaws: Headstrong, distrusting, doesn't work too good in teams.
Family: Son of Haru.
History: Genji is the oldest son out of two of Haru and Shana(random name). His father taught him how to earthbend, and his education raised him to be rough and tough, persevere through problems. Through that education, he also became quite headstrong. Now he does random jobs in the village.
Connections to Canon: Yes, son of Haru. (Obviously the roleplay takes place way after current story line.)
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« Reply #8 on: Nov 06, 2006 12:59 pm »

Thanks for the feedback, Funk. Here are my responses.

Trimazu

Out of pure curiosity, what is the origin of the name "Trimazu?"

It is a take on "Trimalchio" from Petronius' Satyricon, upon whom Trimazu is (ever more) loosely based.

[EDIT: Haha, yeh, Foamy, you got it! I was typing as you were typing it seems Smiley]

Tien Shin

-This character actually does possess a Stu-ish quality, but I feel it's one that's easily fixed: Proficiency with so many weapons is reasonable. But I doubt it would be the case while he is capable of firebending. If he was incapable of firebending, his skill with the three weapons would be much more likely.

Good observation, and I agree. Fortunately, the sword proficiency isn't mentioned in the story except for an oblique fortuneteller reference, so it can be disregarded. The audience will also never see him shoot an arrow, which leaves the war fans and firebending. Thanks for pointing out the risk here. I'll be extra vigilant now as I go forward.  The plot outline doesn't really require anything more from Tien Shin on the combat skill front other than that he is a capable opponent for Iroh and his friends, so I'll make sure to leave it at that.

Lastly, it is "stu-ish", but this is the one character I'm least concerned with being a "stu". If I were going to insert myself into the story, this is last guy I'd pick. He's a piece of crap! That said, I know most of your comments here are directed at assessing raw believability rather than Mary-Gary Stu'ness.

Deng Zev Nifong

-Not a Stu. I am curious as to the origin of "Zev," though. The rest of the name seems perfect.

There is no origin story behind the middle name at present.


« Last Edit: Nov 06, 2006 01:02 pm by Acastus » Logged
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« Reply #9 on: Nov 06, 2006 01:15 pm »

Name: Topaz
Nation: Earth
Bender: (Yes Earth)
Eyes:Dark greeny blue
Hair: Ginger
Clothing: Earth bender outfit, that she has customized
Height/Weigh: never thought of... just normal i guess...
Weapon: (No, only her bending)
Skill Level: she is not amazing, but quite good at earth bending, though she has many problem areas
Flaws: no real sense of danger, trusts people too much
Family: none
History: Topaz was born into a family who loved her very much. However, like most other Earth villages, it got attacked by the fire nation. She and her best friend, Kyra, fled. But they didn't have time to save their parents, or anyone else. They where incredibally lucky. A few days later they returned to the village, to find an empty scorched ruin. Totally deserted. And her own home, just half there, an empty shell. No-one for miles (much like one of those empty villages aang found.)
In horror, she realised that the fire nation must have wiped the whole village and captured/killed most of the people who lived there. It is unknown if anyone else fled or not. After that Kyra and Topaz left, and ever since have been aimlessly wondering and exploring together.
Connections to Canon: I have no idea what this means sorry...
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« Reply #10 on: Nov 06, 2006 01:20 pm »

I'll take a crack at it, even though I'm sure I'm in the clear. This character is from my fanfic "Lucky to Be Born." That story includes about half a dozen OCs; this is the only one who has more than a bit part.

Name: Dr. Chung
Nation: Fire
Bender: Nope
Eyes: Unspecified
Hair: Gray-white
Clothing: He wears the simple tunic, trousers, and folded cloth hat traditionally worn by doctors in China
Height/Weigh: Unspecified, presumed average
Weapon: Do surgical tools count?
Skill Level: He is one of the most skilled doctors in the Fire Nation Capital, which is why he was called to serve the Royal Family.
Flaws: Pride in skills bordering on arrogance; sarcastic wit
Family: Unspecified
History: Unspecified. It may be worth mentioning that I named him after my childhood pediatrician.
Connections to Canon: Dr. Chung was Princess Ursa's OB/GYN during her pregnancy with Zuko and ultimately brought the nearly disastrous birth to successful completion.
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« Reply #11 on: Nov 06, 2006 01:36 pm »

I re-did mine, but I could have made it worse Tongue





Name: Kai
Nation: Earth
Bender: Earth
Eyes: Brownish-Blackish
Hair: Black
Clothing: Very secretive clothing.
Height/Weigh: Average Height/Height
Weapon: Cane Sword
Skill Level: He is a Master Bender, but a novice at fighting with his Cane Sword
Flaws: He doesn't like the way the Dai Li handle things in Ba-Sing-Se
Family: His father killed his mother, Ling Jin
History: When he was a small child, his father killed his mother. His mother knew the Dai Li's plans and tried to stop it, but failed. His father told Kai she was attacked by bandits. When he became older, his father wanted him to join the Dai Li. He said yes, but then found out the Dai Li's plans to make Ba-Sing-Se "a perfect place" and tried to stop it, just like his mother. He was beaten, and instead of dying he was brainwashed. When he was a high ranking Dai Li member, he was supposed to kill the Avatar. He captured and tortured him. Katara and the rest of the gang tried to stop him, and they succeeded. Kai was knocked out, and he saw his mother from the Spirit World. His mother told him about the Dai Li, and that he was brainwashed. He woke up, and somehow snapped out of it. He still acted like he was brainwashed, but he was secretly killing Dai Li members from the inside. Kai is still trying to stop Long Feng and the Dai Li, by forming a secret rebel group   
Connections to Canon: Long Feng is his father.
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« Reply #12 on: Nov 06, 2006 04:28 pm »

Foamy

Not a Stu! I have no additional notes to add; it's hard to critique a character whose roots lie after canon. Sorry I can't be of any help, here...


Airbendergirl

I believe that your character is not a Sue, but I feel that there are a few notes to be made.

-This is just a note of explanation; "Canon" refers to the show, or things that have occured within it.

-My personal interpretation of non-Asian names in Avatar is that they are usually nicknames that the characters have donned in place of their birth name. (In example; Jet, Smellerbee, Longshot, etcetera) "Topaz" is a fine name - If Topaz is the one who chose it to replace the name she typically goes by. If such is not the case, I would advise changing the name to something of Asian origin.


Karalora

You're absolutely correct; this character is in no way, shape or form a Stu. Just out of curiosity; is this the Fire Nation doctor that was featured in the first set of Isaia's Original Character renditions?


Oblivion

There are some areas that you have definitely improved in this, but there are a few things still to be noted on:

-Ba Sing Se is isolated from the rest of the Earth Kingdom, and a strict order is maintained. The Fire Nation, pirates, bandits and any violent external force to the effect of these will most likely never make it into the city, unless under extreme circumstances. I feel that if Long Feng found a need to make an excuse or lie to cover up someone's demise, he would attribute it to "accidental causes."

-Long Feng has shown a desire to maintain peace throughout the city, especially in regards to dealings with the Avatar. I doubt he would dispatch any agent to capture or torture the Avatar. This part of the story is sketchy, but I feel it can definitely be fixed. I would recommend a different event to trigger Kai's awakening.

-We know very little about the Spirit World. There is nothing to show that it is where people will go upon dying, but also nothing to disprove such. I'm noting on this so that you know to be wary of it.

-I think that you have a very interesting character, but I can't help but feel that his relation to Long Feng is crippling his structure and growth. This might seem out of line, but I would advise considering changing this, and making him related to perhaps a different member of the Dai Li.


I hope that this helps, all!
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« Reply #13 on: Nov 06, 2006 05:04 pm »

Is it okay if I add my own comments on OC's. Well, I'm going to do it anyways.

airbendergirl:
I'm being a bit nitpicky here, but Topaz, as the name of a gem, is a little of a Sue-ish name. Also, the death of her parents due to the Fire Nation seems a little bit cliche. If there is a way to change it that won't completely kill the plot of the story, I'd like to see that. There are other ways for two people to be aimlessly wandering.
---
I'm going to post my character here, but I'm just going to say one thing: I'm trying to make her as Sue-ish as possible. It's for a parody (Like there aren't enough Sue parodies) and I'd like advice to add more "Sue" to this character than normal.

Name: Isis Samantha Ursa Cerulean Krystal
Nation: Water (Southern)
Bender: Yes- Water, Fire, Earth, and Air (She's the Avatar!!111OMGYAY) Also Shadow, Mind, Metal, Life, Love, and Piano. (LykOMGPianobending is soooooo kewl!)
Eyes: Sparkling, lovely sapphire-ice-turquoise aquamarine
Hair: A beautiful array of many different shades of brown.
Clothing: She wears the typical Water Tribe clothing, but it's a teal trimmed with pink.
Height/Weigh: 5'4", Very slender
Weapon: Too many to count
Skill Level: Master at everything!
Flaws: None! LOLOLOL
Family: She had three older siblings: Sokka, Katara, and Katara's twin sister, Serenity. She got along okay with Sokka and Katara, but the one who was really nice to her was Serenity, who died along with her mother. The Fire Nation killed them both.
History: When the Fire Nation attacked the Southern Water tribes, Isis Samantha Ursa Cerulean Krystal, Sokka, and Katara watched as the Fire Nation slaughtered and burned their mother and sister. Isis Samantha Ursa Cerulean Krystal is now wandering the Earth Kingdom, searching for Twu Wuv after she mastered all ten elements.
Connections to Canon: Zuko's true love, Sokka and Katara's sister. The Second!Avatar also.

As I said, I'm trying to make her Sue-ish, and I'm just writing this story for the heck of it. I'm not going to post it anywhere, but I'd like to make her the Uber!Sue of d00m.
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« Reply #14 on: Nov 06, 2006 06:17 pm »

 I've actually been mentally planning a very non-traditional--and slightly disturbing--romance fanfic about Azula and an OC. I know it's VERY RISKY territory, but I'm trying my best to keep the romance as flawed and, well, creepy as possible, considering how creepy both characters are. Keep in mind that this character isn't fully formed yet--he's simply an idea--so the form won't be completely filled in.

Name: Satoshi (Name in Progress)

Nation: Rogue

Bender: Yes. Water, although he's nearly entirely specialized in ice.

Eyes: Cold, cruel, bright blue.

Hair: Black and messy

Clothing: Blue and black loose-fitting tunic.

Height/Weight: Average

Weapon: Infuses his bending water with poison, if that counts.

Skill Level: Master at the manipulation of ice, and can do nearly any attack possible with it. However, he is not nearly as skilled at controlling normal water.

Flaws: Sadistic, manic, too proud, decietful, shows nearly no emotion

Family: Unknown. It is obvious that he is related to someone in the travelling Frost Wanderers, but as to who, he will never know.

History: Born into the Frost Wanderers, a group of icebending assassins and mercenaries, Satoshi (working name) lived a life of cruelty, deciet, pride and many other numerous terrible flaws. These flaws made him, however, a master of assassination. He was obviously an amazing prodegy at murder.

 Young Satoshi had accomplished many assassinations, including several EK political leaders, minor FN political figures and even one or two waterbenders. However, he never felt challenged. It was simply the attack on the enemy and the end, where he got what he felt was too much of a reward for such a simple job.

 That is, until a mysterious Long Feng character hired him to assassinate Firelord Ozai. He attempted the murder, nearly commiting it until he was caught by the Firelord himself. Seeing an icy cruelty matched only by himself and his daughter, he hired the seventeen-year-old to join in the hunt for the Avatar.

 Honored, the boy set out to do his job. Unbeknownst to Ozai, however, Satoshi wishes to instead attempt to kill the Avatar for sport, to see if he can defeat him. However, Azula and her cronies get in the way themselves and Satoshi ends up fighting them multiple times. Azula and Satoshi develop a bizzare sort of respect for each other, and eventually end up in a romantic relationship. Together the two warriors bolstered each others' ego and helped to train each other. They became more powerful with every passing day until finally, under Satoshi's clever encouragement, the two killed Firelord Ozai. Having succeeded in turning Azula to his corrupt purposes, the Avatar must now stop the new rulers of the Fire Nation: Queen Azula and Lord Satoshi of the Fire Nation...

Connections to Canon: Yes. Boyfriend/manipulator of Azula, future Firelord.
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« Reply #15 on: Nov 06, 2006 07:39 pm »

Agent S7
You're right--Very risky. Because I'm actually very interested in these types of disturbing, creepy characters, I like the character idea. It seems like the romance is also not so Stu-ish, but there's a few things I'm kind of worried about, especially this one: You said he infuses his bending water with poison and he's a master at ice manipulation. While I'm not sure what kind of ice bending he uses, if he uses ice daggers and other types of ice weapons, wouldn't he be poisoned, too? Actually, by touching his bending water in any way, he could suffer some bad consequences.

Also, while the premise of the story sounds really cool, would Ozai and Azula accept Satoshi (working name) that easily? Since he's not a firebender and he's trying to assassinate Azula's father, I don't believe they would hire him that fast.
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« Reply #16 on: Nov 06, 2006 07:51 pm »

Agent S7

A very interesting character, one that I have a few notes on:

-Filling the water with poison is an inventive idea, but it needs to be asked; is the poison the sort that will infect upon contact, or does it have to make contact with blood?

-Saying that Satoshi's faced no real challenge during his career as an assassin is a little Stu-ish, especially when you list that he's killed Fire Nation nobles. (Something that would require infiltration into the Fire Nation itself) Having him accomplish these feats is one thing, saying it was a breeze is another.

-Very interesting idea, having him work with Azula to kill Fire Lord Ozai. But a bit of a strain on canon and the border between Stu-ism and acceptability. Especially when we're not sure how loyal Azula is to her father. I would recommend having them dabble with the idea, and consider pursuing it. But executing it might not be a great course of action.

Hope that helps!
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« Reply #17 on: Nov 07, 2006 08:22 am »

Oblivion

There are some areas that you have definitely improved in this, but there are a few things still to be noted on:

-Ba Sing Se is isolated from the rest of the Earth Kingdom, and a strict order is maintained. The Fire Nation, pirates, bandits and any violent external force to the effect of these will most likely never make it into the city, unless under extreme circumstances. I feel that if Long Feng found a need to make an excuse or lie to cover up someone's demise, he would attribute it to "accidental causes."

-Long Feng has shown a desire to maintain peace throughout the city, especially in regards to dealings with the Avatar. I doubt he would dispatch any agent to capture or torture the Avatar. This part of the story is sketchy, but I feel it can definitely be fixed. I would recommend a different event to trigger Kai's awakening.

-We know very little about the Spirit World. There is nothing to show that it is where people will go upon dying, but also nothing to disprove such. I'm noting on this so that you know to be wary of it.

-I think that you have a very interesting character, but I can't help but feel that his relation to Long Feng is crippling his structure and growth. This might seem out of line, but I would advise considering changing this, and making him related to perhaps a different member of the Dai Li.

thanks again, I might make him related to someone else.
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« Reply #18 on: Nov 08, 2006 04:28 pm »

This a a very good idea!  Cheesy



Name: Terra Genshi
Nation: Earth
Bender: Yes, Earth
Eyes: Emerald green
Hair: Dusty brown
Clothing: Very light sand-colored tank top and brown Arabian pants.
Height/Weigh: Average
Weapon: Nope
Skill Level: Pretty good, only with sand though.
Flaws: Very quick to anger, judgmental, holds grudges and otherwise is generally rude
Family: Mother- An herbalist from the desert; died of sickness when Terra was 10
Father- A wealthy, Earth Kingdom noble who left Terra and her mother when she was just 2.
History: Terra was born in the desert to a Sandbending tribeswomen and was raised in the nature of her people- and so, learned to live off the land at a very young age. Terra was always a bit high-and-mighty over the other children of the tribe, and so was generally disliked, which lead her to become a bitter young woman. After the death of her mother, she joined the Earth Kingdom army and now fights in the young benders faction of the army, affectionately called the Dirtbags.
Connections to Canon: Second cousin by marriage to Toph


Name: Ryu Earth Kingdom
Nation: Earth
Bender: Yes, Earth
Eyes: Dark brown
Hair: Reddish-brown
Clothing: An open, emerald green vest over a plain brown shirt. Tan pants and large workboots
Height/Weigh: Very tall, about 6' 1"
Weapon: Yes, a hammer
Skill Level: Not very good with both his bending and hammers
Flaws: Doesn't take anything seriously, not very skilled.
Family: Father- killed in service of the army
Mother- A farming widow.
Four little sisters and two little brothers- Risa, Riku, Daiki, Mitsuko, Hikari, and Nibori
History: Ryu was raised in a farming village in northern Earth Kingdom, and peacefully trained to become a metal smith. However, his father had been in the Earth Kingdom's army reserves for all his life and was called into service. After a year, news came to his family that his father was dead. Ryu and his mother struggled to support their farm and his younger siblings, until finally the army came to his village, swearing to help the families of any who signed into service. Thrilled, Ryu took up his hammer and marched off to war.
Connections to Canon: Cousin to Haru


Name: Daichi Earth Kingdom
Nation: Earth
Bender: No
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Dark brown
Clothing: Long dusty brown kimono with spring green trimmings
Height/Weigh: Very short
Weapon: No
Skill Level: N/A
Flaws: Very shy and nervous, can be a bit paranoid, cannot fight
Family: Mother- An Earthbender in the Earth Kingdom Army
Father- Died of plague
Grandfather- Raised her; a cabbage merchant
History: Daichi lived a life of travel. Her mother was in the army for as long as Daichi remembers and she was raised by her grandfather, a merchant who traveled, selling his wares. Along the way, Daichi learned many herbal techniques from many lands. When she was old enough, Daichi joined the Earth Kingdom army as a healer in hopes of making her mother proud.
Connections to Canon: The Cabbage Merchant's granddaughter
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« Reply #19 on: Nov 08, 2006 04:47 pm »

Eyes-Through-Earth

Interesting characters! Just a couple of notes on them:

-"Genshi" is a fine name for a character, but "Terra" isn't, unless it's a nickname. I'd recommend scrapping that one part.

-I doubt that there'd be a combat unit for such young benders in the Earth Kingdom army. I don't doubt that they'd have a place for them, I just don't think it would be on the front lines or in live combat.

-All of your characters seem like they would be just as strong and well crafted if you dropped their connections to canon. I would recommend removing the relations to canon characters where they do nothing to aid or influence your character's life.

Hope that helps!
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« Reply #20 on: Nov 08, 2006 04:50 pm »

Eyes-Through-Earth

Interesting characters! Just a couple of notes on them:

-"Genshi" is a fine name for a character, but "Terra" isn't, unless it's a nickname. I'd recommend scrapping that one part.

-I doubt that there'd be a combat unit for such young benders in the Earth Kingdom army. I don't doubt that they'd have a place for them, I just don't think it would be on the front lines or in live combat.

-All of your characters seem like they would be just as strong and well crafted if you dropped their connections to canon. I would recommend removing the relations to canon characters where they do nothing to aid or influence your character's life.

Hope that helps!
Terra means earth. Just to let you know.
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« Reply #21 on: Nov 08, 2006 07:09 pm »

Terra means earth. Just to let you know.

Oh, I'm well aware. But the term "terra" isn't Asian in origin, and therefore doesn't fit well as a name.
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« Reply #22 on: Nov 08, 2006 07:19 pm »

Terra means earth. Just to let you know.

Oh, I'm well aware. But the term "terra" isn't Asian in origin, and therefore doesn't fit well as a name.
Ok. I named an OC Terra. Is that bad? It's in my old Zujin fic. That I have not posted anywhere on the internet.
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« Reply #23 on: Nov 08, 2006 08:19 pm »

Name: Kiana
Nation: Fire
Bender: (Yes/No, what element) Firebender
Eyes: Gold
Hair: Brownish-Black
Clothing: Earth kingdom clothes with a few fire nation symbols here and there
Height/Weigh: (If considerably unaverage) Average
Weapon: (Yes/No, what weapon) Just her firebending and two swords
Skill Level: (For either bending or weapon) Eh, about average
Flaws: Some anger issues, and she didn't learn firebending right so it hurts her if she uses to much at one time
Family: A mother, a father who died, and a younger brother
History: She lived a normal life, and her parents did not want to teach her firebending because of the cost. She didn't care, she didn't really want to learn firebending at her age, which was only four at the time. Then, a few weeks later, her father was sent away to war. Devastated, she wanted to learn as much firebending as she could to find him. Her mother didn't permit it, because of the costs, so she attempted to teach herself firebending. She did, but she had the wrong stances and she taught herself the wrong way, so if she firebended too much at once, she would hurt herself very badly. Soon she partially got over this, but it still hurt her if she firebended, and the fire that she created wasn't as powerful as others. SHe joined a fire army when she was 10 years old to find her father, and found out when she was 12 years old that her father died. Devastated, she backfired at the fire army that she was going with, and ran to the mountains to take herself out of the fire nation and into the Earth Kingdom. She loved her nation, and up until now she had no idea that the fire nation would've killed so many people that she saw on the sides of the roads in the earth kingdom. She tried to learn earthbending, but since she was not a born earth kingdom civilian, she could not. She can only firebend.
Connections to Canon: (Yes/No, what connection) yes, She lives in present canon.
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« Reply #24 on: Nov 08, 2006 09:52 pm »

Quadgirl

I like the character a lot, just two notes:

-Firebending and two swords is a bit too similar to Zuko. I would advise selecting a different weapon.

-I think that the decisions she's made in her life occur when she's a bit too young. I would increase the age at which she ran away and the age at which she discovered her father's death.

Hope that helps!
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